On this day over two thousand and twenty years ago, Jesus faced the agony of His crucifixion. He pleaded with the Father, asking Him if there was any other way to fulfill God's promise of eternal life for those who believed in Him. But there wasn't. Jesus was and is the only Way. Though reviled and rejected, He redeemed and reconciled.
My mom was not afraid to die, but she was afraid of dying alone. It struck me today that even Jesus did not want to be alone in His last hours--He wanted His beloved disciples by His side. Deeply distressed and troubled, He told Peter, James and John that His soul was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death and asked them to stay with Him (Mark 14:33-34).
The Friday night before the Wednesday God took my mom home, I went to a wedding shower, a party. During that party she called and left me a voicemail. Her sweet, weak voice left this message: "Hi sweetheart, I really hate to ask you, but can you come be with me?"
It was loud and my phone was deep in the cavern of my purse. I never heard it ringing. I never looked at it to see if anyone had called. When I got home, I left my phone in my purse. Caitlin and Cam flew in late for Caitlin's baby shower. I finished some last minute things that needed to be done for the baby shower the following morning and went to bed.
While at the shower, I heard my phone ringing and dug it out of my purse to answer it. It was my mom's friend Glady, she needed me to come over right away, my mom was too weak to get up to use the bathroom and Glady wasn't strong enough to help her. I got there in time to help her, but my mom never regained enough strength to walk on her own again.
It wasn't until the day after we buried my mom in her plot next to my dad and brother, that someone called and left me a voicemail. That's when I saw I had an unread voicemail from my mom. What?? Imagine the heartache I felt, hearing those sweet, pitiful words--that dear voice I've longed to hear every single day since she died. How it hurts to know she left this world feeling disillusioned about me. Thinking I cared more about having a good time at a party than soaking up every precious minute I had left with her (although I really didn't believe she'd be gone so soon). She died believing I'd coldly brushed off her plea for my company. I failed her when she needed me most. I was selfish, it was always more about me needing her than her needing me. She was always better at consoling than being consoled. Why didn't she tell me she'd called and left a message? How I wish she'd given me the chance to tell her I never got that call. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, missing my mom, my chest tightening at the remembrance of how inattentive I'd been in those last days, aching for a do-over, for just those few days back to love on her like she deserved.
Today, I think about how Peter must have felt when he let Jesus down. Not only did he not stay awake with Him, a few hours later he claimed he didn't even know who Jesus was.
I know my mom would hate to see me holding on to these painful regrets. She never wanted to see me sad, she always put all of us first, never asked anything of us, just loved us unconditionally.
Today is Good Friday, the day Jesus died to take away all my shame, so why do I still let shame haunt me? It's not how my Lord wants me or any other Christian to feel or act. It's callously tossing away the freedom Jesus paid such a high cost to give me. It's self-centeredness, and being God-centered is the only way to be set free from shame and regrets. "Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." (1 Peter 1:3)
God sent His son, they called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal and forgive
He lived and died to buy my pardon
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives
Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives
